No one cares about your baby, Heidi Klum

Like we didn't see this coming, as I expected, Brit was too post to push.

One of the perks of potentially working on Michigan Avenue is shopping during dinner. I was in Nordstroms perusing Delman flats when I heard some girl take a call and loudly squealing "OMG, she had it already!"

I immediately knew what was up and hightailed it back to the newsroom to check the wires.

What Reuters said:

Representatives for Spears were not immediately available for comment on the report, which said the 23-year-old entertainer gave birth by Caesarean section shortly before 1 p.m. PDT (1700 GMT) at Santa Monica
UCLA Medical Center. Hospital officials declined to comment.

I bet the whole UCLA campus is on lockdown. How will they ever get to Kitson to buy the T-shirts I'm sure are there to announce the birth of the spawn?

Do you think they doped Federline too? Will Shar send a baby present?
Are lumps of coal just for Christmas?

Name TK, a'ight?

Most importantly, who do you think the kid will look like? I'm guessing a little wrinkly goateed ball emitting an odor of Starbucks and cigarettes.

Patiently awaiting,
Hils.

Oh, push it!

Yay! Placenta!

So Brit has decided on having a super swanky birth because we all know she didn't break the bank on the wedding. (Chicken wing anyone?)

So she'll do her pushing in Scottsdale, a city that has become a favorite of hers and K-Fed (and sadly, my parents).

But really? Does anyone think she'll have a natural birth? A dear dear friend has introduced me to the "too posh to push" concept, and I think Brit is a prime candidate. C'mon, our ol' girl can't even be bothered to put shoes on to go to a public bathroom.

"Britney wants white and yellow roses in the room when she gets there," a source told the upcoming issue of the Star.

Whatev. If I ever get knocked up (ew), it's nothing but drugs, man. Maybe Brit will hide drugs in said flowers.

How about some names?

Sara writes in:
I think that Britney's mom will put her foot down and make Britney and Kevin name their kid something normal like Emma or John. But watch out for the middle names! I imagine those will be ridiculous!

Word.

Told ya so

If it's reported on Nerve, it has to be true, right?

Well, everyone (including myself) is all abuzz that Brit may have pulled a DEMI and posed nekkid for Vanity Fair.

Hello? Did I not predict that months ago?

Maybe I should call Ms. Cleo. I heard she's hiring. ::insert Hilary doesn't have a job yet joke here::

More soon my sweets!

Backstreets Back OH YEAH

I love you all.

Seriously, nothing makes a girl feel more loved than tons of e-mails, calls and personal reprimanding to post. I'm so sorry! As many of you know, I'm moving tomorrow so I've been swamped. But when did that ever become an excuse? Do you think Britney would stop babysitting Shar's kids when the new baby comes? Don't answer that.

Some updates:
* Apparently Ms. Reality TV queen herself ShaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrON! Osbourne has advised Brit about the show. I actually think the two ladies have more in common than meets the eye. Small dogs, penchant for religious jewels, drugged husbands and all the makings of an awesome Lifetime movie. On a related note, who would win in a fight: Brit or Kelly O?
* Our own K-Fed has been tooling (literally) around town in his new car, a top-of-the-range Ferrari sports car. I think it's kinda purple-ly in a shiny Barney sort of way. I really don't know what to say about that.
* I could write more about the show, but we all know it hasn't really gotten any better. What have we learned? Those krazy kids like to grope? Brit hates to fly? I can fall asleep easily when provoked?

But my favorite piece of news is that Brit has given her chihuahua Lucky the boot because "he didn't like Kevin." Better question Brit, who does?

Onto some names!

Old roommie Ally and her BF Tom have predicted:
Tom and I have decided that Lucy (Brit's character's name from
Crossroads movie) Curious (her perfume) will be the name he chooses for her spawn.

After years of life in captivity, Mizzou seniors Tom and Allyson are ready for their flight in the wild.

Shawn writes:
BritBrit and KFed will name their beautiful child Chester Cheetah
Federline ... after the mascot of BritBrit's favorite snack. After
years of munching on his namesake, Chester will be morbidly obese. Which is sad enough by itself. But to make things sadder still, Chester will be known as Chester the Molester after years of playing in his Neverland-style playground and inviting pre-teen boys over and well... you know the rest.

Chester will issue this statement before his trial:
"I never did anything wrong. I love children. I would never harm them."

Which will prompt jokes such as:
"How do you know when it's time to go to sleep in the Federline household?"
"When the big hand touches the little hand."

Even though he makes jokes about obesity and child molestation, Shawn really isn't that bad a guy — just ask him.

We get it. You were lonely and love starved.

Yes Brit, I'm a Bitter Betty (tm) too. It's not because I'm so devastated about lacking a soul mate, but because I cannot get the hour of my life I wasted on your show back. I left SHOE SHOPPING early to come home and watch your train wreck. I expect a check in the mail made out to Nordstroms, OK?

For those of you who missed it, I can sum up the show easily. In one word in fact. Awful. Total proof that "home-video reality series" are not here to stay. When I was feeling nauseous over the poor camera work, I was really busy correcting Brit's grammar.

Thoughts:
1. One any given day at the large midwestern university I attended 200 girls (or more) looked better than '04 & '05 Brit.
2. I've never felt so positively about my own minor adult acne problems. Girl needs some soap.
3. Brit's entourage really seems to hate her.
4. K-Fed makes W look loquacious. He also really looks like a cobra.

In some ways I'm grateful that the show was so atrocious that instead of composing a longer post on it, I can go back to reading OC spoilers.

Because the show was so predictable, it only seems appropriate to publish Mandy's name suggestion. It's a gem!

Mandy posted: "Well, the more I think about it... her parents named her sister after them so her child will probably be Britney-Kevin Spears-Federline."

Shudder.

Rough and Dirty

Forget the highly glamorized, beautifully edited (yeah, that was hard for me to write) styling of Newlyweds, Kevin and Britney: Chaotic promises to be just that. Rough footage paired with candid confessionals and poor lighting. Seriously, could the producers make this show sound any less appealing? But regardless, don't call me during the show tonight. After, however, is OK.

The goods aka "Can you handle my reality?":
Tonight
8 p.m. CDT
UPN (I didn't know they aired anything other than Blind Date. I once saw Roger Lodge on the El, BTW. He was wearing brown on brown. The shame!)

Tonight's show will be one-hour long, followed by three half-hour shows before the wedding finale (also an hour). The show will mainly consist of home video footage from the beginning on the relationship with recently recorded commentary. By next week I will have created the drinking game for the episode. Bottoms up is clearly "y'all."

In other news:

The South Florida Sun-Sentinel called K-Fed a "perennial skeeve" in print.

Jason Alexander has found a Britney replacement ... named Britney! The World Entertainment News Network had this quote from Hubby No. 1: "My new girlfriend's name is Britney, too. It's a strange coincidence. The difference between the two: she's a natural beauty, whereas Britney Spears has had a lot of cosmetic help." Yikes.

iAfrica.com headline "Britney 'lets herself go'" made me spit Diet Dr. Pepper all over the monitor at work earlier: "The pregnant singer has been seen wearing baggy tracksuits, no make-up and sporting an unbrushed, oily hairdo."

Today's name suggestion from the lovely Miss Holly is soooooooo hilarious and creative, I've been holding off on it. But now, your moment of Zen:

I'm thinking abstract, intangible things. Rhyme Trinity or Genesis Blue.

Maybe items that could pass for names that no one really knows the definition of anymore: Taffeta? Brindle?

Depending on Britney's/K-Fed's/the baby's birthday, an astrological sign such as Aries or Libra. (I don't think even Britney would go for "Cancer.")

Locations are out because Paris kinda ruined that. Though I could see her using London, or maybe the suspected location of conception: Vegas Spears?

Holly is a copy editor in Orlando, Fla., who got all these names from real Central Floridians while editing the birth announcements in her paper.

Sometimes, I don't believe this shit

So, apparently some roughneck in Indiana wants to take credit for Britney's "Sometimes." He says he wrote it 15 years ago.

It's an opportunistic ploy on his part, and it's publicity for him, Brit, K-Fed, the baby, everyone involved. But hopefully this guy's mom will sit him down and tell him that the song he's fighting over is absolute shit. I mean, if he gets his money, he should go to school to learn to write better songs. Yuck.

Songwriter sues Spears over copyright

Moving on.

OK, today, I will do something different. Instead of pulling from the inbox, I'll pull the names from the facebook message board.

Amy writes: Porsche Angelica Spears-Federline

Amy didn't leave any info on herself, but I know that she used to call me "gopher humper" and she's got an Aerosmith tattoo on her back, in honor of the many of their concerts she's attended.

Jen writes: How about Donatella Puffy Cosabella Spears Federline

Jayne writes: I think the name will sound more skanky like Tammy Sue or Winona or Jamie Ray. They are trailer trash wannabes for sure.

Neither of these people left their info. I would call them "ladies," but as we've found out from these posts, you can easily pose to be something you are not.

Aight.

Seacrest out.